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  • Mark Mathews

A Mental Health kind of day


It is almost the end of July and I've not spoken to you folks on here since the last day of 2018...

FOR SHAME!

I've been having a real rollercoaster of a time with my mental health and it has made 2019 a tricky pony to stay on top of. What I realised though, was that I needed to look after myself first and foremost and in order to do that, I needed to really focus on me and what was going on around me, which has meant a step back from a lot of stuff.

Included in this has been taking myself off Social Media (with the exception of YouTube because I love it so much, but we'll get to that!) and, although I now use it sporadically as opposed to a complete ban of it all, it certainly makes keeping in contact with you guys out there extremely hard - which is tough to deal with.

Sure, there is a lot I really dislike about social media, not least the addictiveness of it all and how it really rapes my time, but in the same breath I have really felt the void in not communicating with you guys wherever you may be on the globe.

So, obviously something has to be done about this!

Now, I woke up today, on the hottest day recorded in July (or some shit like that - effectively it is mental hot. I've not stopped sweating. I am literally sat at my computer after having an ice cold shower and I am sweating my wee little titties off....just FYI) and I felt a slump back into a bit of a depression. I say 'a bit' because this is a kind of warning shot that last year, or perhaps as little as even 4 or 5 months ago, I wouldn't have paid much heed to. However now, as someone that has struggled with mental health issues for the past few years, knows that I should take notice and do some work on myself. I could have quite easily lay in bed and not moved today, festering in my unclear feelings and potentially making the depression worse...and no doubt sweating so much I'd shed about 15 stone...and I'm only 11 stone.

You do the mattttthhhhhhhhh....(S)!

Anyway, instead of doing that I pushed myself to get up out of bed and exercise and do some meditation and just try and, gently and kindly, deal with this funk. By doing this it got me thinking about some stuff my therapist has told me. Firstly, it is important to be with myself and be kind to what I am struggling with. Meditation has worked for me a fair amount, as has spending time in the moment within nature (I plan to go wild swimming once I've finished writing this) so this is a very important part of it all. But secondly, she has always encouraged me to fulfil my purpose, with no aim of success or financial gain, but to do it purely for the love of doing it. In my case, it is to create.

And so as I went for a run along the Thames in this insane heat, trying my hardest not to pass out from heat exhaustion, I thought about all the hundreds of songs I've got and have never released or recorded. I thought about the costs involved with recording and releasing music and I also thought about YOU and my connection, or lack of, to you all.

And there was a light bulb moment

I have a loose plan of doing some Vlogs, but with a slight twist. I'm thinking of maybe having a short Vlog to begin each video about a subject matter or just generally shooting the shit and then every video will end with a demo of a new track of mine. Said track would be played and recorded live and then I would take this into Logic and add a few extra little bits - perhaps some keys or an extra guitar line, just to make it a bit fuller and a bit more interesting.

My thinking is, that I would be able to release new content on a regular timeframe, allowing the songs that I think are fucking ace to have a proper audience and not just sit around for years until I've got the cash to record a new EP/Album. It also keeps me connected with you guys and allows me to stay in touch with you AND it gives me that purpose and that something that I can focus on, helping me.

There is a lot of fears surrounding it - Will it be any good? Will it attract loads of Trolls (I'm a sensitive wee soul when all is said and done!) Will it become a bit of a stress?

However, some people around me have given me some sound advise regarding, 'Feeling the fear and then doing it anyway' and with all that has gone on I'm kind of in that devil may care zone and I feel like I should try out new avenues and not just the tried and tested routes.

I'll be honest, guys, this could be totally shit for sure! At the very least whilst I'm finding my feet at the start of it, it probably will be! Just to be real! However, I think it's worth getting involved with and seeing where it goes and if it is a total load of shit, there's nothing forcing me to keep it up I guess.

It'll take a little time to set up and work out, but I thought the best place to get the ball rolling was here, on the blog and I will be back in due course with further updates as I go.

If any of you have any ideas or suggestions, or you just want to give me some uplifting feels, it is ALWAYS appreciated and welcome, so drop me a line somewhere or leave a comment below.

In the meantime here's a new track called 'Worry blues' (fitting!) that I wrote and filmed in a park recently:

Love you all long time!

Hey do you know one of the best things you could do for me and my music is to follow me on Spotify?! Click HERE and give me a lovely follow and if you fancy adding some of my tracks to a playlist of yours, even better! xxxx

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